Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.