If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
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*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Breaking news:
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
If Mr Krabs owned a bar