Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.