Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

Penguins walking in 5x speed

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….