Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

Netflix and awkward silence?

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

Put a ring on it

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

Breaking news:

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.