Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf