If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
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My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*