Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?