Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

Good dog. ❤️

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?

Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

did it work

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

True freaking story!