If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
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I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂