Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid