If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
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The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”