If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
![]()
You Might Also Like
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
![]()
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Current mood: Potato
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
![]()
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.