if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
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Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Wake me when AI does housework
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Life is a suicide mission.
found my next D&D character name
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE