Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?