if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
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I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Ummm 😳
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Creepy-crawlies
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?