if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
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“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”