If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
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People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Managing expectations
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before