If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
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as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.