If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
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*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…