If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
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My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.