If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
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Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
how do y’all walk in shallow water