If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?