If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
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me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Creative Problem Solving
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.