Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

Ok but actually

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

They’re stuck in your pants?

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.