Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

your daddy is a what now?

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*