If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
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Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Give us this day our daily internet validation
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?