Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
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By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.