Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

I’m crying im so happy for them

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?