If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
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Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
This will teach them to underestimate me
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
#Caturday
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
You have been warned.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.