If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
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If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Erm I’m gonna say no
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Finally, a door that understands me
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”