If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
You Might Also Like
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway