Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them