if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
You Might Also Like
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
