Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

Lingerie.

…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

Does beer think about me too?

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.