If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
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“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
never ask a starfish for directions
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.