If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
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i was baptized in a car wash
Oh. My. God.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon