If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
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She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I wanna be friends with this person
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”