If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
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[montage of me giving-up]
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Good morning.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.