If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
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I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.