Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Church Pugh’s

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal