Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

This is I, Robot all over again

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.