Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

With this onion ring, I thee fed

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

when you don’t want to be too vague

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…