If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
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If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Sex so good you see dead people.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.