If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
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Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
How tf did it end up there?
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
LOOOOOOL
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]