If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
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Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops