‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
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Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Not my job 😂
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.