Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh