If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
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Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
*lint rolls you awake*
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?