Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.