*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
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While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so