If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
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When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
iPhone X
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.