If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
You Might Also Like
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
is he marrying that labradoodle
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.