If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
You Might Also Like
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.