Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

I have taken up painting