Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?