Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?