Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

The biggest mystery of our time

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

reviewed some movies recently

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.