Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

Happy Caturday!

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.