Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

My god she’s good.

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

yea so i messed up lol

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”