Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it