Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

Body by sandwich.

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.