Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

Warm pools make me nervous.

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?