Cop: Sir do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You’re the third policeman to ask me that tonight. They should really train you guys better.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
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Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Nurse friend: where can I get some scrubs?
Me: idk, probably hanging at the passenger side of his best friend’s ride trying to holler at me
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