@SCOOPISMS

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

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@5hael

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

@lazerdoov

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

@Brampersandon_

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods*
ME: thats correct ur honor

@jus4golf

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

@rickolantern

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

@withanewname

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

@GrantTanaka

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions