If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

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Cop: Sir do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You’re the third policeman to ask me that tonight. They should really train you guys better.


My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.


Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style


There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like


Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.


COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*



What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?


Nurse friend: where can I get some scrubs?

Me: idk, probably hanging at the passenger side of his best friend’s ride trying to holler at me


A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.