If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Hell yeah 👍
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!