if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Spring of Deception
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
