if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
