Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.