If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
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In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie