If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
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Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts![]()
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever