If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
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Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Dammit Chief not again
