If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
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Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
why no one uses midhusbands
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human