Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT