Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

same bro

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

🤣🤣🤣

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly