Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

no one:

me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman