If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
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I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.